Geography

The self-aware tostada shells of tonight's totopo singularity. You think it's a harmless topping, but the Mennonite cheese is a Turing test you chew.

We were so lucky to get this table in the quiet section. [Waiter arrives at table riding a 4x4. A sinaloan banda, children with fireworks, and a barking dog balanced on back of seat]

Each day at sunset, I navigate the discarded plastic Coca-Cola bottles and Doritos bags of the tragically beautiful Sonoran shores of the Sea of Cortez with my patented technology Shake Weights in hand. Shake, shake, shake! When onlookers point and laugh, I coax maraca sounds from the shiny dumbbells: Cha, cha, cha! Cha, cha, cha! Five pounds of cha, cha, cha! Then I look back at the gawking litterbugs and ask, “Who is laughing now?”

Well, we all are, of course.

At the Concertina Trailer Park Retirement Community for Anxious Libertarians, a suspicious confluence of unseasonal weather, satellite network programming changes, and other discomforting irregularities has residents changing evening plans. In light of these certain uncertainties, it is decided that the trip to Sam’s Club for dog food and cigarettes can wait until after The O’Reilly Factor, which should be on right now but isn’t. In its place is a NASCAR themed garden makeover special sponsored by an unpopular arthritis gel. And now everything just feels wrong in the current slot.